The Perils of Online Dating
Joe Bonadonna
Glenn Close, from “Fatal Attraction”
Today I’m going to depart from my usual blogs about movies, books, writing and publishing, and write about something a little more personal.
First, I’m 67 and single, and at my age it’s hard to meet single women with whom I share common interests, goals and lifestyles. I don’t attend church socials, singles’ groups or singles’ dances. Frankly, I don’t care for the music that’s played at such events. While I grew up on the rock and roll and pop music (Top 40) of the 1950s and early 1960s, I prefer the music that came in 1964, ushered in by The Beatles. I still listen to them, The Rolling Stones, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, for example, and the music that followed over the course of the next 5 decades. I try to keep up with what’s happening in music today, partly because of my being an ex-guitarist in rock and roll bands. I like and have seen such bands as Florence and The Machine, Muse, Mumford and Sons, and The Lumineers, to name four, and I’m usually the oldest person in the room (or concert hall) when I go see such bands and even hard-rocking local bands. I’m not really into heavy metal, but I still crank up the AC/DC, Uriah Heep, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin and other really kick-arse bands.
All that being said, after a devastating break that not only shredded my heart but ended an over 5-year friendship — or what I thought was a friendship until I learned I had been played for a fool for the past year. This experience wounded me so deeply that I fell into a deep depression filled with anxiety; I started smoking again after having quit two weeks earlier, and I had to ask my doctor to prescribe something to get me past all this. So I’ve been on Xanax and will remain on it until the end of February. After that, if I still need something, he’ll prescribe something that is not addictive.
Well, last November I joined the 5 most popular and largest online dating websites; a couple of them even advertise on television. I won’t mention their names, just to be safe from any legal issues. After 3 weeks, because I didn’t get one single nibble, I left one site before the month was over, so I could get my money refunded. But I stuck with the other four and have had some interesting, embarrassing, disappointing, depressing, stressful and disillusioning experiences. I’m going to tell you about a few of them — each woman claiming to be a widow whose husbands (and son, in one case) had all died tragically. But first, let me tell you that every drop-dead gorgeous woman who has contacted me first turned out to be scam artists: women with Hollywood or porn film star looks and bodies never give me a second look in real life. So.....
Now the area codes of the cell phone numbers these women gave me all checked out, but the problem with cell phones is that the area code is not fixed, like a landline. I have friends who live here in Chicago who have cell phones with area codes ranging from Arizona to California; they had purchased their phones either while living or vacationing in those states. The other problem with cell phones: burner phones, used by scam artists all over the world.
So I set up five new email addresses, to use just for dating correspondence. Most of my "likes" and "views" and "flirts" have been from women living in other states. Many are too young for me or too old. I'm sure both men as well as women are posting old photos of themselves and lying about their age. Here are a few tips I was given by veterans of the Online Dating Scene:
Beware those who will not chat on the website and instead ask for your email address right away.
Beware those who live in states (or countries) other than your own. Stick with prospects who live in areas you're familiar with so you can question them about their neighborhood, their town, their suburb.
Beware those who will not exchange cell or landline numbers with you, who won't actually talk to you on the phone.
Beware those who come on strong, hot and heavy, and then talk about how they prayed to God that they'd meet someone like you!
Beware those whose dating profiles mysteriously vanish as soon as they make first contact with you.
Tips online dating sites advise to avoid scammers who:
Ask you to talk or chat using an outside messaging service or email account.
Vanish mysteriously from the site, often after being caught and removed.
Talk about "destiny" or "fate" when meeting you.
Claim to be recently widowed.
Ask for your address or contact info under the guise of sending flowers or gifts.
Make a lot of grammatical and spelling errors.
Say they live in the U.S. but are currently traveling abroad.
Always eventually ask you for money.
As I said, most of my Likes and Flirts come from women who do not live in my state, from gals 30 years younger to 20 years older. Apparently, the websites' computers think these people are good matches for me while totally ignoring my preferences and parameters. I don't think people even read the profiles. It's like they're just clicking on every photo that catches their eye.
Now, on with some misadventures in this brave new world.....
The first woman I made contact with was, supposedly, from an area just south of where I live in Chicago. She had some lovely photos of herself and we corresponded via the dating site for about 2 weeks. She then told me that she was in Mexico on business and would be back in town by Thanksgiving. She even gave me her cell phone number, and the area code checked out, although as already stated, that means nothing. Well, one day she told me that she and a bus load of tourists had been stopped, held at gun point by members of a drug cartel, and robbed of cash, jewelry and credit cards. She had no one to loan her money and no way to get home. My thoughts were: if she had indeed been robbed by a drug cartel they would have killed her, too. (As my Dad always said: work alone and leave no witnesses.) So she asked me if I could send her a few hundred dollars to help her out, and she would repay me upon her return. When I casually asked how she wanted the money, she told me to send her a Gift Card for 300 dollars: scan the front and back and send the images via email. Ding! Dong! The alarm bell sounded. You never send money to anyone, and the Gift Card is an old scam because you pay for it and therefore, it’s just what it is — a gift. Can't prove intent to fraud. Well, bye-bye, I told her, and that was the end of it. I then went back to the website to check out her profile, and it wasn't there: either she had deleted it or it was reported by someone and the site removed her. But about a week later, she contacted me and asked me if I was still interested in her. She was still in Mexico, of course, and once again asked me for money. Ha!
Woman #2 contacted me, claiming to be from a nearby suburb, and of course her cell number area code checked out. So we corresponded for about a week and she told me she was from Toronto, originally, and also said she was the CEO of an exterior design corporation. When I checked out the business website, there was her photo, listed as CEO. She even sent me a short “video” telling me she was in Istanbul on business and would be home December 20, but her accent sounded very middle-eastern and was quite hard to understand. Well, we corresponded for a few more days and then she said that her company had run into some tax problems and she couldn’t leave Turkey until the tax situation was settled. She asked if I could help her out in any way, that she needed $6, 500 dollars. This time she sent another video, explaining the situation; she was sitting in a room surrounded by stacks and stacks of money. I figured only drug dealers or some other sort of “villains” would have that much cash lying around. Bye, bye, I told her. A few days later she had the nerve to contact me again, begging for help. When I went back to the dating site, her profile was gone. Deleted or removed? Your guess is as good as mine. Also, the corporation’s website is now different: her photo is not there, although there is a photo of a different woman by the same name now listed as CEO.
Pretty interesting, right? There must be some school for scoundrels and scam artists I don’t know about. I've talked with a few women who have been on or are still on dating sites, and they told me of similar encounters and experiences with men. So these scammers and all the other BS involved happens to both sexes.
Photo courtesy of Google Images
But wait, there’s more!
Since these two experiences, there have been others.
One woman from the south side of Chicago claimed to be living in California but had a house here; she even gave me the address. She also claimed to be a widow who runs her Dad’s construction business. After a number of dating site conversations, she told me she needed $244.00 dollars to fly here to meet me. I asked her if she had a credit card and she said yes. I told her to charge the airfare and once we met I’d give her the cash. Never heard back from her again. One other claimed to be in Florida and would like to come up here to meet me but could not afford it. Guess what? You got it — she asked me for money! Needless to say, both their profiles are no longer on the dating website.
Are these actually different women? Or just one woman using fake profiles? Your guess is as good as mine.
I have also talked with three women: one sounded like a witch and was of a nasty temperament. Another had a Polish accent so thick she couldn’t converse well in English and had nothing to say! One other had a Russian accent that was also almost unintelligible, and she wasn’t interested in any of the things that interest me. None of these women answered any of my questions regarding famous places and landmarks where they lived.
I’ve actually met with 2 women. One claimed to be 60, then confessed that she was actually 65, but looked like an 80-year old bag lady. She was nastily opinionated, had no sense of humor, and didn’t even offer to pay for half the pizza or even leave the tip - then had the nerve to ask me to drive her home . . . 1/2 block away! She popped up on another dating site, under a different username and using a profile pic that must have been taken when she was in her 20s!
The other lives 10 minutes down the street from me: a divorcee with a 25 year-old daughter and a cat. After many conversations on the dating site and then a few phone calls, we finally met on January 6, had a nice time and, as of this writing, will probably get together again, although I don’t think she’s for me.
I was also conversing with a woman who lives not far from where I grew up, in the Logan Park District, near Humboldt Park. She knows the city and suburbs near me, having answered all my questions - and we even hung out at the same beach back in the 1960s and 1970s: Foster Avenue Beach. However, after a few on-site chats she ghosted me; must have decided we weren't a match. She is still on the site, so I feel good about the fact that she wasn't another scammer.
Since January 5 I have been conversing with a fashion designer who claimed to live in a suburb just west of me. Her photos were stunning and although she claims to be 61, she actually looks at least 10 years younger, if not more. She’s from Poland, also a widow, and we actually have a lot in common. She told me she will be leaving for Poland on business and will return in 2 weeks. Being as suspicious as a Chicago cop questioning a suspect, I reported her to the website. A short while later her profile disappeared: did they take her down or did she remove it? I'll never know.
However, later that day I asked her why I can no longer see her profile on the dating site. She replied, "Because God answered my prayers and sent you to me." Yeah, right.
Then, just as I expected, on January 11 I heard from her. She gave me a huge song and dance about her business and all sorts of problems: her credit card had expired and she has no other way of paying the Team that packed and shipped her cloth and other material. She asked for $1800.00. I "laughed" at her and told her I was going to pull the same scam on her. She actually had the nerve to message me that it's not funny, it's not a scam, and that she's very disappointed. "Hey, lady - don't try to guilt me out," I told her. "You didn't know my Mom, who was Queen of Guilt Trips. Besides, I'm Sicilian: I have no conscience and I am well connected, if you know what I mean." Never heard back from her after that.
To date I have had eight women try to pull this exact same scam on me. I know these dating sites can't and don't do criminal background checks. But they should. At least they can charge people extra if they want a criminal check done on one or more people.
So beware and be careful out there. Online dating can be stressful, depressing and anxiety inducing. I don’t like this “new tech age” we’re living in and in many ways I’m glad I’m on my way out. I prefer the good old days of meeting women. Whether or not there will be a follow-up to this blog remains to be seen: depends on what kind of experiences I have and if they're worth writing about.
Maybe it's me and not them. Maybe I'm not exciting enough, handsome enough, active enough or rich enough. Maybe the word SUCKER is stamped on my forehead and everyone but me can see it. Well, whatever. Oh, I'm still on the dating sites, but if you want me, I’ll be at the corner bar where I know the only reason women are conversing with me is because they're drunk. Or maybe I'll just head to Las Vegas because you know, what happens in Vegas.....
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Joe Bonadonna is sharing some of his bad experiences of online dating at
#OurAuthorGang
Oh my! I heard a few dating disaster stories but I had no idea it is so bad! I've been married for a long time and didn't know how hard it is for single people to find the right person. Scam artists take advantage of dating sites and I'm sure they find a lot of "pigeons" who pay the price for being gullible in their state of mind of searching for the right person. So sorry that you had to go through all these bad experiences, Joe! But luckily, you're smart and you can spot the scam artists in time. I wish you the best of luck to find the right person, maybe the old fashion way by bumping into her in the store or meet through friends or family members who know her.
+Joe Bonadonna Yes, it is a lot harder to date but regardless of age, it's harder to be alone. I wish you the best finding the right person!
+Erika M Szabo -- thank you. I'm not one of those people who believe there is "someone for everyone." There are just too many lonely or "solo" people out there to contradict that old axiom. I may be destined to be alone all my life, like one uncle and one cousin of mine were. It's just difficult to readjust to my former life after recent events. But what will be, will be.
Wow! It's rough out there in the online world. It's a shame there are so many scammers and so many heartless people who prey on others. Thanks for sharing your cautionary tale to warn others about the pitfalls of online dating.
Horrible experiences, all of them. Sorry to see you go through all this stuff. I think it's as you say, these date sites are prime ground for scammers, and if possible, try to meet people 'in real life,' even then there is no guarantee. Excellent blog, a great eye opener for those who might not be so experienced in life.
Joe Bonadonna shares his online dating experiences. Be ready for some jaw-dropping (and true) tales!!
Wow, Joe! Talk about some real losers!!
All of my bad dating experiences were in person (or over the phone). Including the guy I hardly knew who called me, then had his "cousin" call me, because he was short just $40 for bail. Except, he didn't call collect and when I called the jail, they didn't have anyone by his name in custody. SMH
But to give you hope, my aunt met her husband on a dating site and they're happily married today...
Sorry to hear your bad experiences. I'm sure you are a very nice person and don't deserve to be scammed.
Wow, just wow! Sorry to hear just how crazy it is out there. If something, God forbid, ever happens to my husband, I'll just stay single and raise dogs. At least, in the midst of all this craziness and scams you did meet one woman you might go out with again. If she's not the one, maybe one of her friends is (wink wink).
Today, Joe Bonadonna offers some comical- yet serious, highs and mostly lows of online dating.
#OurAuthorGang
Joe, I too think, when you least expect it, you'll meet someone in person. It sounds like these online dating sites are havens for predatory gold diggers who can switch identities as it suits them. Best wishes!
They're counting on susceptibility like any con artist.
+Eva Pasco - exactly. And because they ask for the money in the form of gift cards, well, even if found they can't really be arrested: a gift card is something given, so while intent to fraud is there, it cannot be proven.
This online dating thing can even get dangerous! Watch out, Joe- we need you safe to write more books.
+Joe Bonadonna You may have to. Lordy! BTW- there was a lady at the gym this morning who looked a lot like Glenn Close. I thought of your pic here.
Having never used a dating site, your experiences seemed alien to me, Joe. The lengths some people - I say people as it would seem those posting could be any gender - would go to extract money from others staggers belief. Though I guess some mugs do get taken in and hence their bravado. the The web has given us many opportunities but, alas, it has also opened the flood gates for illegal activities. Thanks for posting and good luck for the future.
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