A poem by Eva Bielby
LONG AWAITED!
It happened weeks too early.
Something was wrong.
I knew it when the pains started.
Hours later, after all the pain…
no baby in my arms.
Three weeks dead in my womb I was told.
How had I not realised?
Utter devastation.
The questions; did I want to see my baby
girl?
Did I want to hold her? A funeral?
I couldn’t think straight.
No! No! And no!
If I didn’t see, if I didn’t cuddle…
I couldn’t hurt,
or so I told myself.
A year later.
Thirty-seven weeks with child.
The pains started early,
but she had been moving.
I’d felt her move,
she would be okay.
But tragedy struck once more
My new hope was gone.
Too tiny and weak to fight.
The course of labour, a hard one.
Heartbroken, bewilderment.
Why me? Why my babies?
The questions again.
No! No! And yet again….No!!!
I can’t hurt if I keep saying no,
I kept reminding myself
It’ll hurt too much. Say no…keep saying no!
Years later, the regret.
Did it stop the hurt? I keep saying no.
I try, and fail, to picture faces that I
never saw.
Images I’ve tried to conjure,
but they remain elusive.
Those tiny features,
the ones I chose not to see,
they won’t come to me.
Hard as I try, those visions just pass me
by.
The one and only hug from a mummy
they would never know.
Deprived of that one touch, that tender
moment.
But the intangible bond remains.
The love that never left me,
the tears I’ve shed alone
and the yearning goes on.
The hurt never diminished.
Maybe they will wait for me…
and my despair will be such pride
when I see my beautiful angels
and finally fold my wings around them.
A mother’s hug.
Long awaited….
© Eva Bielby 2017
I dedicate this poem to my two baby girls,
born stillborn, in 1979 and 1980. They were never christened, but I will always
refer to them as Paula and Lynsey. I was told that they were perfectly formed
and the reason they died was because they weren’t getting the essential
nourishment from the placenta. I bitterly regret choosing not to hold them and
see their tiny faces, but I think at that time, the decision was the best one
for me. I did go on to have a healthy son and daughter.
Eva Bielby
Eva Bielby was born in North Yorkshire in the Northeast of England. She has spent over thirty years of her working life as a company accountant. Eva has a keen interest in spiritualism/mediumship and has attended several workshops to develop her skills further. During her quieter moments, Eva enjoys a cryptic crossword, sudoku, and gardening.
Utterly heartbreaking, beautifully written, the love of a mother that death cannot break. - comment by Dawn
ReplyDeleteOMG! So heartbreaking and beautiful! I can't imagine anything harder to live through than a death of a child. My heart goes out to every mother, father, and family who had to live and survive that pain.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness Eva, I can’t imagine how much that hurt. I think you are very brave to share that.
ReplyDeleteThis is so heartbreaking, Eva! I can't even imagine. But I do believe one day you will see them again. They will know you, and then you can hold them in your arms forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn and hurt for you, Eva. So much we must endure in this life. Wounds may heal, or so they say, but scar tissue marks all our souls.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your very kind comments! These events happened a long time ago now. But I can recall the heart-break as if it was yesterday! Yet I am blessed to have my wonderful son and beautiful daughter...not to mention six grandchildren! My heart is full!
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