How do I get through the tough stuff? I write.
by Grace Augustine
As I reflect on the loves of my life, (there have only been 4--2 husbands, a fiance and a very special man) I find I've been "in" love two times. Once was in the 1980's with a redheaded Scottish chiropractor. We'd seen each other for months and talked of marriage. He attended an out of town conference and said when he got home we'd discuss it more. He didn't get home. I received a phone call from his office manager telling me that he had committed suicide. The family was making arrangements and I'd be notified when services were. Oh, the pain! The anger! The loss! I was friends with a radio station disc jockey and we were to have had dinner that night. I phoned and told him what had happened. He of course was working and couldn't leave the station,but he encouraged me to write. I wrote what I titled "A Eulogy for Philip" and put down my pen for good...or so I thought.
An Eulogy for Philip
I love you with a love so deep
My days are filled with pain
The nights do not hold sleep.
My head only beats in anger
My heart is an empty shell
I’m numb, void of feeling
For today from life you fell.
I remember many dinners
Late night moonlight walks
Singing and playing music
And quiet heartfelt talks
I remember Halloween
The masked bandit and the clown
Laughing and dancing ‘til 3 am
And all the love we found
I remember the day we met
I thought you old and gray
Then deja vous got in our way
You loved wispy pastels and long flowing hair
We made quite a pair, you and I
You came to Sunday dinner in a three piece suit
Portraying some big winner
You saw me during good times
Counselled me in bad
Held me during rough times
Loved me when I was sad
Animals seemed to love you
Children did, too.
You played the piano and we sang ‘til dawn
I still can’t believe you’re really gone
Gone from my life
And all that is real
We sat on your roof
Counting the stars
Dreaming our dreams
I never thought you’d leave
Be gone forever
And I’d never get the chance to say good-bye
I wonder where you are
Are you sitting on a star?
Sailing a ship?
Singing love songs in my ear?
Have you passed through the Gate?
Are you clothed in sparkling white?
God, I feel you so close
My heart beats in tune with yours
As it always did
I loved the curls of your soft auburn hair
The twinkle in your beautiful eyes
Every time you smiled.
Your closeness warms my heart
My dear, dear, Philip
We will never live our dreams
We will never be together
We will never be each other’s soulmate
I’ll never hold you again
Feel the warmth of your touch
The passion filled kisses
The plans for marriage
For a lifetime together
All gone in the blink of an eye.
I love you, darling
Someday, someday
We will have our second chance
We will have a brand new start
Until then
Fly with the angels
Brighten the night sky
I’ll forever hold you in my heart
I’ll see you soon
I’ll never say goodbye
--5/21/81
It seems my batting record with romance is a big fat zero! Don't get me wrong, when I love, I love with every ounce of me. That may be my biggest downfall. After an unfortunate set of circumstances I could no longer overlook, or be part of, six years ago I ended a relationship with the man I felt was my soulmate. This person taught me what I wanted from love, taught me how to love completely with no reservation, and taught me how to grow. To say I was devastated was an understatement! I was angry...seeing red, snorting bull angry... that he didn't seem to understand why my decision had to stand.
So, as I had in the past when adversity struck, I pulled out paper and pen and wrote down my thoughts and feelings. Tears poured down my cheeks and onto the paper. My head soon was on that wet surface as I grieved for what I'd lost. Soon, I'd written 30 pages...front and back...and a story was forming. Little did I know at that time, it would be the first book of my Acorn Hills Series... Bittersweet.
It's amazing the stories we can weave when we are uspet, betrayed, unloved, or so elated we want to shout to the masses from the rooftops.
I hope you enjoy reading Bittersweet. It is book 1 of The Acorn Hills Series and is free on all platforms.
Excerpt from Bittersweet:
"One of Jake’s major problems was that he loved
women. Not just some women, but ALL women. Sure he knew that he brought it all on
himself, but damn it, he just couldn’t help how he felt. He loved how they looked, how they
smelled. Hell, he could even tell which
ones were ripe and in “heat” when walking by them! He loved the curves of full
breasts, whether they were a B cup or a double D! He loved the sight of a tight
ass as it walked away in front of him; the perfect sway of those hips with each
step. Ah, yes, women! His pet word for them was “PITA” which stood
for Pains in the Ass.
No two ways about it, Jake WAS charming. He knew how to get what he wanted from just
about anyone. He was a master at putting
his spin on the truth. People seemed
drawn to him like the Pied Piper. Maybe the spin came in a look or in his
dazzling smile or in his deep commanding voice. It was different for each
situation.
Little
did people know that once in his lair, it was hard to get away and more
difficult to escape the charming smoke screen that enshrouded the situation. That didn’t mean he got off scot free, though.
Women loved him, men hated him, business associates tolerated him, and family,
for the most part, was very disappointed in his choices. He let out a breath of
exasperation. Life as he knew it.
Jake reflected on the conversation from
earlier that afternoon. Jillian had told him to come get his things. Well, it certainly
wasn’t going to happen right now. He had to think about this, had to plan what
was going to be the best for him with this whole thing.
His condo wasn't ready
to move into and he really didn’t want to spend the money to stay at a hotel.
His only choice was to stay at his office. After all, he had spent millions on
renovations and it would accommodate his needs for the present time. He would
go home and pick up his things in a couple days. He just couldn’t do it right
now. The reality of those words pierced his heart…Jillian’s was no longer his home.
It was HER house, her home. He didn’t
have a “home”.
A vision of Jillian plagued his mind. Jillian
Halloran wasn’t “just another woman.” She had been THE woman in his life for the
past three years. Jake remembered thinking
how “wholesome” she appeared when they met at that Chamber of Commerce
luncheon. She wasn’t a striking beauty, and in fact Jake would categorize her
as “nothing special,” but Jillian was
definitely bright and funny and caring and compassionate and loving and just
simply beautiful from the inside out.
She had extremely expressive eyes, those
big, lash-fringed, doe-like eyes that you just couldn’t resist. Yet when she
was angry her eyes turned to these pools of liquid amber that threw daggers at
the opposition. God, he just simply got
lost in them every time their eyes met. And, her nose. How he loved her nose…it
was just the right size to kiss and suckle.
Her breasts fit so well in the palms of his hands. Her fragrance, sometimes
fruity, sometimes spicy, but always fresh.
He fell hard for her the day they met.
It was like fireworks and a tilt-a-whirl mixed into one daring ride. Yet, now she was saying it was over? Who was she to call the shots? Who was she to say when it was over? And why couldn’t she just deal with the fact
that his passion was women?"
